Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Everyone I know is gonna be Famous........... Ice Coffee is my new Life Partner....... Rhino's on TV are Big, Sexy and Lethal

I had the best thing happen to me the other night. I almost never wake up in the middle of the night because waking up is stupid and I try and only do it once a day. Well, last night I woke up at two in the morning and I was mad thirsty. I needed water because I had sodium mouth like a skank and simply could not handle the dehydration in my Sahara throat. I went and got some water and then could not sleep so I turned on MTV. Luckily MTV was showing videos and not Super Sweet Sixteen. That show is a brutal case study in the life and times of spoiled brats and it makes me want to fling dookie turds at rotten little kids. Either way, a super hella fly jam came on the TV and it was Lil Mama "Lip Gloss." This song is so red hot and it reminds me of when Punky Brewster used to rule the world and it was OK for a young man (maybe named Brian) to have a Lisa Frank trapper keeper with bright neon green Nike dunks.
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So as I am watching the video, about 3 minutes into the thing, I see a woman (in the video playing the role of the classroom teacher) and I am like "I KNOW that woman!" It is crazy, that is our manager's super fly wife Malissa Hunter. She is in the most blowing up video of the moment and we could not be prouder. She is so nice to us and comes out to a ton of our shows and tells us we are cool and even allowed us to go to her wedding (despite the fact that we looked like lame douche bags with mismatched suits.) So congrats to Malissa, she is gonna be the R&B/Hip Hop Queen of 2008 and we will still be guys with Lisa Frank binders.

I officially have a new summer addiction. It is Iced Coffee from Starbucks. It makes my brain work incredibly fast. I no longer drool on myself and I am a better person for finding this new obsession. Don't make fun of me if you see me walking around with this shit super sized. I REALLY REALLY like it.........
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After I watched the Lil Mama video, I slowly retired back to dream land with a nature channel special all about Rhino's in Africa. They are really such majestic beings. They are fat, but somehow sleek and mysterious. I would like to drink Iced Coffee out of their tusks......... Is that illegal?

We are gonna destroy the month of July by playing eight million shows in 34 days. This tour is hot so come and see us, and don't give us some excuse about Warped Tour being in town or something because Warped Tour is fucking stupid and Bro Rock is going down hard in 2008. Lisa Frank forever!!!!

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Failure is ALWAYS an option......... go ahead and just forget that last blog post.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

An illness in the House of The Ray............... I am going to smoke my dog's skull............... Gummo is a better movie than Citizen Kane

A great death illness has cast it's dark cloud on two of us Ray Rays. Only god knows how many more of us will have to succumb to the power of this great disease. It has now been three days since I have been afflicted, John has been ill for seven (possibly more) days. What is the disease that hangs over our heads? What could possibly drive me to the verge of total insanity and then push me over the edge with a humiliating laugh? The disease I speak of is actually the tortuous process of hell hounds that I call QUITTING SMOKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why Why Why did I ever start up such a horrible habit?

Or wait.....the habit was great, I love smoking.....

Why Why Why did I ever start to give up such a horrible habit? Now that is the question. I feel like I am letting everybody down by giving up smoking. It had always been a dream of mine to influence a whole new generation to light up and smoke a cool drag. I feel like kids really looked up to me when I was smoking. They thought "Now there's a guy who is really going places." Now that I don't have cigarettes kids just look at me and laugh and say "That guy has a beard like my crazy uncle Jimmy." Well Fuck your Uncle Jimmy because he is probably cool enough to smoke and he probably did not chew his bottom lip raw within the last two days.

I think I might smoke my dog's skull. It totally looks like a cigarette in some warped and twisted way. It probably smells like strawberry tobacco from the hookah bar when his head is on fire.

The only thing that can make me feel any better right now is the theatrical trailer for my favorite movie of all time.... GUMMMO. This movie is jacked the fuck up and DON"T WATCH IT because I don't want anyone to be all "THAT MOVIE WAS SO DISGUSTING!!!" I don't care. This movie practically raised me. John and I watched it so many times in high school that it was like a baby sitter to us. We would cuddle up with a bottle of Hooch and our virginity as our blanket and watch this bitch from start to finish, pausing only once to check the nipple shot on Chloe Sevigny in the bed jumping scene.

Honestly that movie made me a better person. Kids these days don't understand the power of totally pretentious art house cinema. Without these arty films of the mid 90's there would be no Napolean Dynamite. And without Napolean Dynamite there would be no Bench Warmers........ and without Bench Warmers there would be IIIIIIIIII WWWWWWWAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTT TTTTTOOOOOOOOOO SMMMMOKKKEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Tour Antics ...........SLAYER!!!!............ Pirates of The Carribean was confusing

Hey All-
We just got home from our nice little jaunt with our special new friends Siren's Sister and Cavil At Rest. It was a big old band love session with all involved and I wish I had some crazy stories to tell you from tour, but sadly there are just no crazy stories to tell. We were fascinated to slowly learn that Siren's Sister have a hidden passion that rivals even their love of playing music........these dudes REALLY like swimming!! I don't mean swimming like "Hey, lets go back to the hotel after the show for a dip in the pool" I mean swimming like "Hey we found a great local swimming hole in Yakima, Washington and the water is like 38 degrees. Come for a swim with us before the show." It should come as no suprise that the Ray are pretty strongly opposed to the outdoors, but we did our best to keep up with these crazy earth children. We even went camping in Oregon for a night!!
The whole camping thing basically went like this........we got to the camp grounds at eleven at night and were greeted by the most beautiful sight I have seen in a long time. Our black van and trailer were silouetted by a bright full moon and a huge lake that we were parked next to, on a brisk summer night. We sat next to the lake for a good five minutes trying to muster up the words to capture the beauty and grandeur of nature in it's finest setting and then John said "This is pretty cool, I am gonna go play Halo in the van." It was perfect. I could not have agreed more.

This tour featured a lot of driving in the desert. The desert is really hot right now. We made a little movie to help everyone understand what it is like to tour in the desert during the summer time.

That movie is way trippy right? I have to go coat my acid tongue in milk for like ten minutes after that shit. I have so much more to write soon,