A great death illness has cast it's dark cloud on two of us Ray Rays. Only god knows how many more of us will have to succumb to the power of this great disease. It has now been three days since I have been afflicted, John has been ill for seven (possibly more) days. What is the disease that hangs over our heads? What could possibly drive me to the verge of total insanity and then push me over the edge with a humiliating laugh? The disease I speak of is actually the tortuous process of hell hounds that I call QUITTING SMOKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why Why Why did I ever start up such a horrible habit?
Or wait.....the habit was great, I love smoking.....
Why Why Why did I ever start to give up such a horrible habit? Now that is the question. I feel like I am letting everybody down by giving up smoking. It had always been a dream of mine to influence a whole new generation to light up and smoke a cool drag. I feel like kids really looked up to me when I was smoking. They thought "Now there's a guy who is really going places." Now that I don't have cigarettes kids just look at me and laugh and say "That guy has a beard like my crazy uncle Jimmy." Well Fuck your Uncle Jimmy because he is probably cool enough to smoke and he probably did not chew his bottom lip raw within the last two days.
I think I might smoke my dog's skull. It totally looks like a cigarette in some warped and twisted way. It probably smells like strawberry tobacco from the hookah bar when his head is on fire.
The only thing that can make me feel any better right now is the theatrical trailer for my favorite movie of all time.... GUMMMO. This movie is jacked the fuck up and DON"T WATCH IT because I don't want anyone to be all "THAT MOVIE WAS SO DISGUSTING!!!" I don't care. This movie practically raised me. John and I watched it so many times in high school that it was like a baby sitter to us. We would cuddle up with a bottle of Hooch and our virginity as our blanket and watch this bitch from start to finish, pausing only once to check the nipple shot on Chloe Sevigny in the bed jumping scene.
Honestly that movie made me a better person. Kids these days don't understand the power of totally pretentious art house cinema. Without these arty films of the mid 90's there would be no Napolean Dynamite. And without Napolean Dynamite there would be no Bench Warmers........ and without Bench Warmers there would be no...no.........no....FUCKKKKKKKKK IIIIIIIIII WWWWWWWAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTT TTTTTOOOOOOOOOO SMMMMOKKKEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!