Saturday, June 16, 2007

An illness in the House of The Ray............... I am going to smoke my dog's skull............... Gummo is a better movie than Citizen Kane

Friends-
A great death illness has cast it's dark cloud on two of us Ray Rays. Only god knows how many more of us will have to succumb to the power of this great disease. It has now been three days since I have been afflicted, John has been ill for seven (possibly more) days. What is the disease that hangs over our heads? What could possibly drive me to the verge of total insanity and then push me over the edge with a humiliating laugh? The disease I speak of is actually the tortuous process of hell hounds that I call QUITTING SMOKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why Why Why did I ever start up such a horrible habit?

Or wait.....the habit was great, I love smoking.....

Why Why Why did I ever start to give up such a horrible habit? Now that is the question. I feel like I am letting everybody down by giving up smoking. It had always been a dream of mine to influence a whole new generation to light up and smoke a cool drag. I feel like kids really looked up to me when I was smoking. They thought "Now there's a guy who is really going places." Now that I don't have cigarettes kids just look at me and laugh and say "That guy has a beard like my crazy uncle Jimmy." Well Fuck your Uncle Jimmy because he is probably cool enough to smoke and he probably did not chew his bottom lip raw within the last two days.

I think I might smoke my dog's skull. It totally looks like a cigarette in some warped and twisted way. It probably smells like strawberry tobacco from the hookah bar when his head is on fire.

The only thing that can make me feel any better right now is the theatrical trailer for my favorite movie of all time.... GUMMMO. This movie is jacked the fuck up and DON"T WATCH IT because I don't want anyone to be all "THAT MOVIE WAS SO DISGUSTING!!!" I don't care. This movie practically raised me. John and I watched it so many times in high school that it was like a baby sitter to us. We would cuddle up with a bottle of Hooch and our virginity as our blanket and watch this bitch from start to finish, pausing only once to check the nipple shot on Chloe Sevigny in the bed jumping scene.



Honestly that movie made me a better person. Kids these days don't understand the power of totally pretentious art house cinema. Without these arty films of the mid 90's there would be no Napolean Dynamite. And without Napolean Dynamite there would be no Bench Warmers........ and without Bench Warmers there would be no...no.........no....FUCKKKKKKKKK IIIIIIIIII WWWWWWWAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTT TTTTTOOOOOOOOOO SMMMMOKKKEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!
DDDDDDDDDDIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!
-brian

8 comments:

haushinkaitlyn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kaitlyn said...

hahaha i can't BELIEVE you must mentioned gummo. oh man. all i remember from it is bathtub spaghetti, the mentally handicapped girl, lawn chair wrestling, and general white trash fucked up-ness. all set in lovely ohio!

good luck with quitting, dudes.

Dana Tan said...

im really glad you are quitting! :)

thats the best thing you could do in my eyes. id look up to you for qutting!

Jonelle said...

You wanna quit smoking... get you a pack of 60 cent Stampede little cigars. One should give you about a year's fill of the nic.

tyler said...

dude.
i think your an incredible fuckin' human being, man even with that awful flaw of not liking morrissey.

and you make me physically convulse in bouts of painful laughter yo.

fuck smoking dogs.

stay strong i believein you and the lola of ray persuation.

thank you for indulging in my hallmark moments.

ollie tamale said...

jesus christ, you fuck, i love you brian. dont quit. just smoke as much as me! where you dont buy, but bum everyone out that you're bumming them, and then you only smoke like 3. its way better. cause then u dont have to admit yr a smoker. youre one of those pansies who should regretfully admit that they're a "casual smoker." yeah dude my club is rad.

Mallory said...

Screw quitting. I tried for a while because I was broke. Obviously, since I still smoke, that didn't work out.

Nisha said...

http://www.razewv.com/stuff/calculator.aspx

http://www.tcnj.edu/~fox2/smoking/lungs_clip_image003.jpg

"your life may be shortened by as much as 167.29 hours per year by smoking 5 cigarettes a day. This works out to 6.97 days lost per year. Over the last 3 years, you may have already lost 20.91 days from your life."

idk, these things never make me feel inspired to not smoke, but it helps some people